Learn to draw, but with depression
6:41 PM, Wednesday February 12th 2020
English not being my native language, I want to apologize if what I say may sound weird sometimes.
So, to introduce myself, I'm 21 and I've been coping with depression since my childhood. I'm getting help, and it's definitly getting better over the year, but there's one thing that I'm not able to improve: I don't do a lot of things on my free time. And by that, I mean nothing. It's really hurting me, and I desperately want to do something on my own.
I'm not really an "artistic person", since I've never done anything art related in my life. I'm really good with technical thing, especially computers, which is my job today. But I was never attract to programming, or things like that. I was always attract to drawing.
I don't really know why. Maybe because I find it to be the best way to materialize what I imagine everyday in my head.
But everytime I start drawing... Everything is dark. I don't know what to draw. In fact, I feel like I don't want to draw at all. It's a very strange feeling. Even if I force myself to draw, it's like very very boring. Even if I try to draw things that I like.
So I tell myself that it's just not for me. That I'm not good at that, and wanting to become any good at drawing is not for me. I convice myself that drawing is boring, that it's not for me.
But everytime, After a few days, I want to draw back. So I dream about drawing and getting good. But when I'm about to take a paper and start drawing, I panic, and I'm feeling really really bad, so I never draw. And even if I force myself to, it's the same as before.
But listen, I know that drawing is hard. I know that it takes time before getting any good at it. I know all of that. And I also hear what people say, that drawing needs motivation and everything like that.
But like a lot of things, it's easier to say than doing it. Especially with something like depression. Even if I understand that I need motivation, strength and so on, it's still very hard, or impossible to do so.
But I really feel like depression is preventing me to do what I would really like to do, and I absolutely don't know how to make things move.
Did some of you felt like that in the past ? Is there a way to get out of this torturing and infinity loop ?